After swigging that Quil–which did the JOB last night–I got to thinking about liquor.  I don’t drink nearly as much as I did in college because, quite honestly, I’m not in college.  There’s no skipping work to get drunk like there might have occasionally been for class.
(One of the beauties of going to college on scholarship is saying things like this about your collegiate experience without being told that you wasted your parents’ money with such behavior.  Viva faux-independence!)
But I got to thinking of those days and some of the things I learned in bartending school.  When we’d drink in college, the Seuss would always take a sip of the first one and say “it’s good, but it ain’t quite nasty enough.”  If it wasn’t nasty, it wasn’t right.  My God, I’m so glad I grew up.
Got past that when I started putting price floors on my liquor purchases.  Case in point–if I can get this whiskey for less than $20 a fifth regular price, I think I need to leave that shit alone.
That led to drinking things that actually, yanno, tasted good.  And then learning to mix drinks, it became possible for me to understand how people think liquor tastes good.  A lot of that stuff is just absolutely nasty, but there is some good stuff.  For that reason, I’m going to order the non-licquers from least tasty to most.
N/A Irish Whisky.  I’ve never been curious about it, to be honest.  I’m black and Southern.  Crown and Jack will suffice.
Scotch.  I just can’t make the scotch work.  I’ve tried, but it just hasn’t worked for me.  Makes me wanna smack my tongue on the roof of my mouth.
Gin.  Gin’s nasty.  It doesn’t taste remotely like anything.  You can’t say it’s sweet or sour or anything else.  It just tastes like gin.  The drinks you mix with gin don’t make good tasting drinks.  It just makes the gin less nasty, allowing people to get ready to fight.  Seriously, anyone you roll with that religiously drinks gin–save for one gentleman I know in California–will get you in trouble.  You can’t afford gin if you ain’t got some bail money.
(It should be noted that Bombay Sapphire is excluded from this entire discussion.  It does good work.  But that Bumpy Face?  Pssssh.)
Brandy.  By definition, brandy is cheap.  If it’s good brandy, it’s called cognac.  If it’s not, it’s called Erk and Jerk.  Or the Easy Jesus.  Or a really bad headache.
Rum.  While I’m all down for stuff tasting good, rum’s just too sweet.  I do like to feel like a man when I’m drinking, and rum makes me feel like an extra in a Sean Paul video.
Vodka.  This is the trickiest one of the bunch.  At it’s best, vodka doesn’t taste like anything.  Just enough kick to let you feel like you’re drinking, which is something people like to be reminded of sometimes.  But at it’s worst–or Absolut–it’s used best as a germ killer.  Try it on your face after a close shave.
Bourbon.  Yeah, it’s a bit sour, but it mixes well with colas and ginger ales, which is a really good thing.  Another one that just makes you feel like you’re drinking.  It’s also cool because it’s one of the liquors that will allow you to say “hmmm, I can taste what they man about why it’s important to use good barrels.”
Whisky.  Yeah, I’m only talking about that good Purple Sack.  If you don’t know, you don’t.
Tequila.  It’ll light you ablaze, but goodness you can’t say it doesn’t have a distinct flavor.  I can’t describe it.  If you don’t like it, I understand.  But if you do…well, there’s a chance you get a kick out of licking salt off drunk girls’ stomachs.  Notice I said you–yes, you–and not me on that last one.
Cognac.  The nectar of the Gods.  Kirk was so kind as to buy me a bottle of Remy XO for my housewarming.  I still have some left because I don’t want to say it’s all gone.  It’s smooth, it’s distinct, it’s rich, it’s warm, and it’s screams out “cool.”  When I bartended, in fact, a dude used to come up and order Crown in a brandy sniifter.  He wanted to have his ordinary cat–though a good ordinary cat–drink, but all the cool of Cognac.  Oh yeah, this is what’s hot out here in these streets.