Well, it seems the Man was silly enough to let me buy a house (waiting for this to get past underwriters, so I’m knocking on wood as I type this. Call it multi-tasking). In the course of this, I’ve learned a few things. Read on to pick up some nuggets of something far from wisdom, but still fairly informative…

1. Buying a house does not mean living somewhere long term.
The most frequently asked question thus far has been, “so you’re going to live in North Carolina permanently?”
Not a chance, jack. Well, there’s a chance for anything to happen. I did once move thousands of miles away on two weeks notice. But, the purchase of a home is not necessarily an indicator that I’ll be raising my children to believe that Dean Smith is the Messiah. What it means is that I expect to live here for another three years or so, and it’s counterproductive to continue to pay rent when I could be paying on a mortgage.
The benefits of home ownership are widely stated, but I’ll run through a few again.
a. Equity. All of your rent goes into the wind. Some of your mortgage payment goes back to you. There’s not much of a good reason to make donations to some property management company if that can be avoided.
b. The tax man treats you better. Most of the payments on a home loan are interest, in the early going. Not good, but the tax man lets you write that interest off. That’s great. And for someone that has a home office, there’s another write off right there. So, a good bit of your payments come back around April 15th.
c. That feeling of knowing something’s yours. Ain’t gotta sweat my security deposit. I can put holes in the wall, if I like. I can change whatever doesn’t move me. It’s mine, jack. That just feels good to say.
And there are others, but this is a quick list.
2. Start-up costs are a mutha.
There’s a lot of stuff in your mama’s house that you take for granted. Trust, she did not take them as such when she purchased the crib. Ever go shopping for blinds? I have, and stores are mighty proud of those things. I’m gonna wind up putting hundreds of dollars into my windows.
I’m almost tempted to just put on a show every time I get out of the shower. However, no one’s gonna buy tickets…and they may call Johnny Law. So, blinds it is.
Ceiling fans? They don’t come in new houses. More money for the Home Depot. Water? Covered in apartments, but it’s on you in our own spot. Grass? Gotta be watered.
But, in the end, it’s worth it.
3. When buying a house, you wind up getting things you don’t really need.
Some unnamed Crutchfield asked me why a single man would need dual sinks in the master bathroom. First, I may not stay single for the rest of my time here (though it’s as likely that I’ll get married as it is that I’ll be named Emperor of Imperial Japan, and up-shacking ain’t in the gameplan). Second, the next person buying this house may have a wife. And the last thing a man’s going to want to do is share bathroom space with his woman. He may as well shave in the kitchen sink.
And shaving in the kitchen sink can get a man single as fast as lipstick on the collar.
So, you buy for you and for the next man. This thing will have to be sold at some point.
4. Buying a house is worth the joy of a housewarming.
Look here…I ain’t the keenest on having too many people in my house at one time. However, this is the one time I wanna show off. The ribbon-cutting ceremony at the New Bomaniland will be off the meat rack, jack. I get crunk just thinking about it.
However, shoes come off at the door. So if you come, put some bleach in your next load of whites.
5. Buying a house will bring out the estrogen in any man.
I spend more time looking at furniture than I ever have. I’m figuring out what drapes I want on my windows. I’m actually going to buy a dining room table. I have used the word “decor” in a sentence at least fifteen times.
And you can call me what you want for it…it must happen to the best. Little things men tend to criticize women for caring about…a few of them are pretty cool. Next time you see your woman peeping the thread count on some sheets, realize she’s onto something. Got some dope 350tc sheets the other day, and they’re great!
Man, what is going on with my brain chemistry?
6. PAY YOUR BILLS ON TIME.
Some of y’all know this already, and have learned the lesson both the hard and easy way. But if you didn’t know, the Man don’t respect nobody with bad credit. Don’t respect nobody without assets, either, but you can’t get the real assets without good credit.
So, either find a lucrative hustle that’ll give you loads of cash on hand at all times–and most of those aren’t legal–or pay your bills on time. Trust me.
And that, my friends, is the International Baba Symposium on home buying. Do what you want with it.
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And I’ll close with a future post alert…Alan Keyes will be speaking at UNC on November 10. I’d skip my date with St. Peter to see that one. And I’m coming with questions. And I’ll be coming with Flat Rock, Jr., meaning there will be unimaginable recklessness. And you’ll get all the details here.
But peep the date…for him to schedule a speech that close to Election Day means that he knows he’s about to get throttled. Other than professional wrasslers, who signs up to get mollywopped?
Usually someone with little more than a point to prove…but what is his, exactly?