First, those of you who have been down with the site from the jump–the first anniversary of the site is tomorrow, I believe–may have noticed I update more now than I used to. Well, I don’t write as many columns as I did then, so this is a great way to keep sharp. That lack of columns will change soon, though.
Business preview–my buddy King Kaufman at salon.com is about to have another baby, bringing someone for his son, Buster, to either play with or antagonize. Congrats to Buster on becoming a big brother.
Anyway, around the time of the birth, he’ll need to take a couple of weeks off, and he’s going to have some guest columnists, and I will be one. I’ve done some things for Salon before, but nothing in more than two years, so this will be a reunion of sorts. That should be interesting. Also, as a fan of King’s column, this is an honor for me. One of my great joys in this game is when folks I’ve been reading for years see me as a colleague. Kinda like going to the Y and some hoopers whose poster is on your wall asks you to run with him. Just makes you feel good.
Next week, we should have something up on the BSN. Probably another open letter to LeBron James. As always, thanks to David Cole.
Okay, now the fun. So Nike’s doing Kobe advertisements again. Frequent readers of this site know what I think about Kobe–that he’s a flagrant G-Code violator(see violations one and two), something that makes it impossible to see him as little more than a sucker that’s really good at basketball. Being a sucker trumps all.
But if anyone believes that Kobe’s going to be a good endorser, they’re smoking rocks.
That’s right, I said it.

A lot of people who try to observe these endorsers miss the point. When Kobe was first got hemmed up for his, shall we say, misunderstanding in Colorado, there were more than a few people that said this charge would earn Kobe street cred.
That there was positively asinine.
Let’s assume for one second that people really believe going to jail is cool. If going to jail is cool, then the respect structure of the penitentiary should carry over, right? Well, if that’s the case, then Kobe has no street cred. Why not? There are two crimes that command no respect in the joint–rape and child molestation.
In other words, nowhere is strongarming some lovin’ deemed worthy of respect.
What folks who talk about street cred don’t understand is why the idea of going to jail could even be construed as being cool. Basically, most black men feel like they dodge jail everytime they wake up, and they get extra dangerous with it when they operate motor vehicles. The tough part about being a young black man is the fear of being hemmed up by the fuzz for doing little to nothing. You know, stuff like getting pulled over for the wrong reasons and all of that, things that give the impression and create the sentiment that the Man is just messing with us for no good reason. I never got the vibe that anyone ever felt that way about Kobe Bryant. I don’t think anyone ever believed that Kobe was getting messed with in this case. Charges were dismissed, but he wasn’t getting picked on. The “picked on” factor is crucial.
Plus, Kobe will never have street cred. Look, I am the son of two Ph.Ds that grew up in the ‘burbs and went to school growing up in the country, and I guarantee that I have more street cred than Kobe Bryant. Unlike Kobe, I’ve stepped foot in a ‘hood before. Got a pass in a few spots. That’s nothing to be proud or ashamed of, but that’s real. Drop Kobe off in West Philly and tell him to bring back a loosey within an hour, and it’ll take him forty-five minutes to figure out what you’re talking about. The next fifteen minutes would be used trying not to get robbed.
He just has no street in him. Call him Eiht, cuz the G ain’t in him. Should you not believe me, simply refer to the chin-dotting he took from Chris Childs a few years ago. It’s not really Kobe’s fault–he was raised that way–but that’s the way it is.
But because of all this, the anti-hero campaign Nike’s using seems flawed. Fallen hero? Maybe. But an anti-hero? No dice.
And here’s why…
One thing about anti-heroes is that, for them to be iconic, folks have to, on some level, want to be like the anti-hero. Folks wanted to be as cool as James Dean and Frank Sinatra. People wanted to be a passionate as Tupac, as bold as Charles Barkley, And, really, people frequently wish they could wrap their hands around their bosses’ throats a la Sprewell.
Who wants to be like Kobe Bryant? A few months ago, in a piece about LeBron James’ ascent to the throne, I wrote the following.
At this point, nobody wants to be like Kobe. Nobody. Nobody likes the thought of Kobe telling the fuzz in Colorado about Shaq’s alleged marital transgressions. Nobody likes that he ran Shaq and Phil out of Los Angeles. Nobody likes a guy who calls and threatens his friend over something he didn’t personally witness — especially a hulking friend who could beat the brakes off of just about anybody.
And nobody likes having to read that stuff in the sports section. Sports fans like boxscores at least as much as gossip; Bryant has been giving us too much of the latter.
Kobe Bean was way more likable when we didn’t know anything at all about him. Now, we know too much; and half of what we’ve learned, we wish we could forget. Eight years after he entered the league, it seems as if Kobe never left high school.
I still hold to that one. Nobody wants to be like a sucker.
So now Nike’s trying to make him into an anti-hero. Instead, they’re actually tapping more and more into what has seemed to be Kobe’s problem–an inability to listen. The ad shows every flaw that has been mentioned in the press, and then juxtaposes those shortcomings against his focus on working out. Hasn’t anyone been watching? The sucker’s problem is his pathological attitude about basketball and the way he lets is rule everything about his life that isn’t run by his wife.
That’s right, I said it.
So really, is Nike trying to sell him as a weirdo? If so, they’re not making him cuddly enough to make him a marketable weirdo. Real talk, I’d rather be like Dennis Rodman than Kobe Bryant anyday. Put a hole in my nose and make me as ugly as sin before you turn me into a sucker and a G-Code violator.
(Speaking of random, does anyone remember when his then-pink truck was vandalized years ago? Someone spray painted the word “fag” on his vehicle, probably largely because it was pink, not just because it’s his. Now, Cam’Ron is cool for the same thing. Amazing how time can fly. For the record, any man that wears pink and wakes up alone the next morning…no love from Baba.)
Anyway, I’ll let you put your money on this ad campaign working for Kobe. Really, it’s more of the same. In the end, this will be little more than Nike trying to get a return on its investment in that sucker.
Their best move–give him his own cross training shoe. Durable enough to withstand a basketball season, but light enough to run from Karl Malone when he’s coming to smack you around for being a sucker.
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No idea why I’m up this early. Anyway, I’m going to go through the archives and find my ten favorite posts of the first year of Virtual Bomaniland. Should be up some time today.