Finally…

By the time some of you read this, I will officially be a home owner. That’s great.
Know why it’s great? Because I’ll be done with most of the hassles…

That’s right…bump all that touchy feely stuff. The satisfaction of owning the house, the joy of turning the key, the first night in the house, all that’s well and good. But nothing, and I do mean nothing, will be better than being past all the stress, strife, hassle, and nonsense you have to go through to get to that point.
So yeah, yay for the American dream. But if I can get through this without getting an ulcer, that’s a victory of titanic proportions.
Whew, I feel better now.
But here’s something I knew about homebuying, but I didn’t know how to express until a couple of days ago. The process starts when you get under contract for the home. Most places require pre-approval from a lender for that, but not necessarily. Either way, after that you deal with the lending agent about the particulars of the loan. From there, your lender will speak with the people that underwrite the loan, and they will determine what they need to see from you to determine whether they’ll back up the loan. Then, you get approved and money begins to change hands. Then, you go to closing, sign lots of paperwork, and finalize the whole she-bang.
Sounds like a lot, ha? Well, let’s put this in layman’s using a little skit I drew up.
The characters are as follows:
Short – as in Short on funds. This is the person that wants to borrow the money.
Double M – as in Middle man. That’s the lending agent.
FP – as in Fat Pockets, the underwriter. They’re really got the money you need to borrow.
Moms – or anyone else that would be willing to co-sign for you.
(Short meets lender)
Short – Hey there, man. Look here…mind if I borrow a hundred grand or so?
Double M – Why?
Short – Tryin to get a house, man…tryin to get on some of that good equity, ya heard?
Double M – You good for it?
Short – Man, just ask around. I’ve always been good about paying folks, ya dig?
Double M – (runs credit report) Yeah, you stay good with people. But see, you ain’t got the kind of money for us to be sure you’re gonna hit us back.
Short – No thang, my man. Moms got my back if I hit some hard times. You can even hold her accountable, so she’ll have to help ya boy out!
Double M – How do I know she’s got it?
Short – Man, I got her pay stub right here. She don’t know I took it out her purse, but you see she got the paper. Between us, we got the paper. So, what’s up then?
Double M – Hmmm…you’re in the game.
Short – That’s what I’m talk…
Double M – But hold up. See, I really ain’t got the money. We gotta talk to my man FP about the money.
Short – Wait…if you ain’t have the money, why did…
Double M – Don’t really matter much, now does it? I’ll hit you back when I rap with him.
(Days pass)
Double M – Short, what’s goin’ on?
Short – Sheeeit, you tell me.
Double M – You’re good, man. But, FP wants to see your bank statements. Gotta be sure you’ve been acting right lately. And he wants to make sure you’re paying with your money.
Short – With my money?
Double M – FP don’t wanna find out you’re just borrowing money from everybody to pay them. If you do that, you’re in deeper debt than it looks like, dig? And if you’re in debt to those folks, he can’t be sure you’re gonna pay back your money. For all he knows, you borrowed that money in the back of a pool hall from a cat named Mookie. If Mookie breaks your legs, how are you gonna go to work? And even if you go to work, you still gotta pay Mookie. You’re more likely to take an eviction than to get put in the dirt.
Short – I feel you. But what if I can’t find my statements?
Double M – Better figure it out. Shoulda thunk of that sooner, lil homey.
(Short finds all the necessary paperwork, and gets loads of paperwork from Moms, who is a time zone away. Everyone sends everything in)
Double M – Man, you’re in like Flynn. But, FP wants to know about some of these transactions, man. Where’s the scratch coming from?
Short – Different places, man.
Double M – Better know exactly “different places” is. He wants the exact coordinates.
Short – (by now, sweating buckets. Not because there’s anything to sweat, but FP carries weight. Short has already purchased furniture. And what’s the gonna do with those expensive-ass blinds if he ain’t got a house? Apartments come with ’em.) I got him, man.
(Short tells everything, and all is good)
And tomorrow, I can tell you exactly how the rest of the show goes. Guaranteed, I’ll be signing my name so much you’ll think I’m trying to memorize its spelling.
****
I haven’t spoken much about my teaching so far, and that’s largely because that could involve divulging someone else’s business, and I prefer to avoid doing that on my blog. It’s not fair, especially not to students. Mentioned the Dookie on here a couple of times, but she wasn’t trippin, so it was cool (and trust, I would have known if it wasn’t cool). But my students…they haven’t signed a waiver, and most of them don’t even know I do this other stuff. They just think I do econ all day, a fact that should obviously be refuted by my affinity for white Ts, earrings, and Timbos.
FYI, you’re not gonna see a lotta economists that roll like I do at your local conference. It’ll be me, Rod Prime, and South Side Marcus looking like we got our hotel reservations mixed up.
But, a couple of things happened that I found interesting. First, I held an extra review session prior to the exam, and people actually showed up. The room was standing room only on a Monday night. Maybe they didn’t have anything else to do, but when I was in college, “nothing else to do” meant “who’s tryin to get on a fifth of Crown?” However, the jokers showed up. Made me feel all fuzzy.
The exam was today, and I actually had a kid come up to me and say, “your review session really helped a lot.” Almost made me tear up. Had another kid, who may be the nicest human I’ve ever met, tell me thank you for telling him to relax before taking the exam.
Somehow, the little jokers actually seem to get something out of me getting in front of the room and talking recklessly (yes, I’m teaching, but I’m still me). That’s an indescribable feeling.
Now, let’s just hope the lil jokers actually learned something. If they feel so good and bomb, that means my sessions are like eating candy for dinner. It’s all good…until that fateful moment.
But really, I’ve even taken to calling them “my kids.” No, I don’t know anyone’s name yet–more than five weeks into all of this–and I ain’t about to loan ’em any money, but I’m almost attached to the lil suckers.
Almost.
****
Column will be running on Fridays now. The site update will also be on Fridays, usually, but you may have noticed a change on the right hand side. There is a link that will take you to the archive page of the column, allowing you to check new and old stuff from the column, along with the general search links. It’s the last sentence in the second “about” paragraph, found directly below the picture of the smiling fool in the Hawaiian shirt.
****
Next week, we’ll be coming to you live from the new, improved Bomaniland mansion. What’s funny? I have lived in the rented Bomaniland mansion for a year, and a grand total of ten people have seen the inside, including me and excluding those that work for the landlord. That’ll probably quadruple when I warm the house.
Yeah buddy, you better believe that nary a sucka will get in with shoes on. You’ll think I’m a Muslim.