So I tried to hurriedly do a Top 5 singers I’d never hang out with. I missed so many. So, I’m gonna do some copy-and-paste with the old list, some re-ordering, and add some new names that demand attention from the committee.
So here they are, re-compiled.
13. Teddy Pendergrass. Nobody’s hating on Teddy for making the ladies fall over themselves for him. In fact, as a deep-voiced cat with a beard, I kinda look at him as paving the way for whatever aesthetic luck I have with the ladies. But look, man: buddy did the most. The most. A cat like him will give away your seat for the ride home from the club cuz he just had to have this one go with him and the other three to Waffle House. Like he really needs all three. In the meantime, you’re hoping a cab will come get you. Gotta steer clear of these sorts of cats.
12. Ne-Yo. As Pimp C said, he looks like he’s been eating a pork chop with no hands. Speaking of that…
11. Johnny Gill. In the process of trying to eat said pork chop hands-free, it seems Johnny got some grease in his hair. A lot. Like he was eating the pork chop over the Frypappy.
10. Stringer Bell. I don’t even know if he sings, but I bet he likes a whole lotta cats on this list. His kinda people.
9. Isaac Hayes. Captain of the Dirty Mack All-Stars. Not just singing about another dude’s woman, but doing like two minute spoken monologues about how he just can’t help himself. Yes you can, you simp. While I’m on it, Eric Clapton and Rick Springfield are punks of epic proportions.
8. Prince. He’s my all-time favorite, but naw. At the same time, I’m not even cool enough to get a job as his driver, so this point is moot. Plus, dudes as short as him don’t like to kick it with shot blockers like me. The only thing: buddy has a perm. That’s not what I represent. It’s opposite all of what I stand for.
7. Tyrese. “Late night phone calls/on the telephone.” Stupid like that won’t scare ‘em off of him, but they’ll make them think that I’m stupid by association. So what good does that do me?
6. Drake. Lil softie’s out here poisoning the kids. Sounding all confused. Hating on the Biebs. Stay far from me, my kinfolk, and anyone in Durham. This gets too rampant, I’ll have to start a foundation.
5. Babyface. Every song he sang was boring, corny and suckeriffic. Every single one. Paying they bills, for instance. Who brags about this? Why would you want someone to think you’d actually do that? You were identified as a mark the second “Soon As I Get Home” came out. How could I have that in my crew? Hanging with you, they’ll think I’m Suga Damn Free.
4. Lyfe Jennings. Singing those celibacy carols. Trying to make ’em feel bad about having a good time. You leave your girl alone with Lyfe, you’ll come back and he’ll be telling her a verse she should read before she goes to bed tonight. Why? I have no idea why he would do that, but I do know that he would. I don’t keep people in the crew like that. We represent different ideals.
3. Marvin Gaye. Never mind all that cocaine he was doing. He had to have been a depressed drunk, looking for any chance to let go of all the things going on in his mind. His brand of emo makes his albums uncomfortable — not coincidental that his best album, What’s Going On, is the one that requires him to step out of his self-loathing — so can you imagine just picking up the phone when he calls? There’s no telling what’s wrong with him. He sounded like a dude who’d spend all night saying “nothing’s wrong.” A dude, I say. There is no way in Hades I could have dude in my crew. I couldn’t even hook him up with my female friends with a clear conscience. Then they’re gonna think I’m like that. And I’m not like that, dammit.
2. Joe. The man has no respect. No respect for his fellow man, himself, anybody. It’s no coincidence “All The Things Your Man Won’t Do” plays in that movie while Marlon Wayans puts hot sauce on a woman’s feet. Why? Cuz that’s as shameful as the backdoor dirty mackin’ that song is about. This lil dude even did a video where he, literally, stepped in RIGHT AFTER A DUDE HAD A FIGHT WITH HIS GIRL. He’s the only dude in the industry that won’t let a girl backstage unless she brings her man with her. He don’t like ’em unattached.
1. Rick James. Because I don’t do jail. I don’t like being burned with crackpipes. But I’d be lying if I said I could have said “no” to one night on the town with Rick James.