Business…this week, the column’s on Anthony Hamilton, one of the only singers in recent memory whose music I can listen to without feeling like I might catch suckeritis.
Now, to the biggest sucker of the week…Kobe Bean.

It’s been rough for your man Kobe lately, and I hate to keep harping on the dude. Instead, I’ll let other people harp. Here’s Jason Whitlock harping. Here’s Howard Beck harping in the New York Times. Skip Bayless, come get your harp on.
Man, it’s hard livin’ when the world thinks your woman runs you. And let’s be real…the only explanation for Kobe’s new predicament is his woman running him. And because of this, it’s time to explain another part of the G-Code…
Never try to show out for your woman, especially at the expense of a man that could rip your head off like the lid on a jelly jar.
You know the story by now. Well, let’s fast forward to the part where Kobe called Karl Malone. Now, you can quibble about whether what the Mailman said was out of line til you’re blue in teh face, but I don’t think that’s important here. What is important is how you deal with such a situation. Should you believe that some random cat came at your woman badly, perhaps you’re entitled to make a blustery threat and say you’re going to “fuck (someone) up.” But when it’s your boy, the approach is different. When it’s your boy, the two of you go somewhere, talk about what happened, get it straight, and handle it as such. You don’t fall out, you don’t act up, none of that. You handle it with the respect your friends deserve, even if they come at your woman badly.
See, the only reason to say something like that to the Mailman would be to show out. For one, Kobe cannot fuck the Mailman up. Karl Malone is 6’8″, about 270, and always down for the ruckus. Always. Kobe is 6’6″, 230, and got as much scrap in him as your average figure skater. Should you not believe me, look at the clips of Chris Childs dotting his chin up a few years ago before Kobe realized the fight had started. So, it’s safe to say that Kobe came with an idle threat.
Here’s my guess of what happened…Kobe’s wife came home and was upset over something Malone said to her. So, Kobe decides that he has to make sure she understands that he’s in place to defend her honor. So, he calls Malone. But, calling Malone won’t prove anything unless she knows he called and knows what he said. Money says he made that call with her in the room, and he amped up the drama to make his point clear to her.
I hate suckers, man.
Maybe he needs to listen to more Anthony Hamilton or something. Really, the way he’s behaving, he might need to break out some Too $hort. Loving your wife is fine, but this is ridiculous.
But, these are the things you have to do when you go back to a woman you’ve been caught cheating on. If you think she’s ever going to get over that one, you’re nuts. He’ll never be trusted, and his love will always be doubted. And he shouldn’t be trusted, so I’m not mad at that part. But the young fella needs to realize all this madness ain’t gonna do nothing to help his predicament. He’s in an impossible situation that he’ll never be able to repair. Talking up a fight with a cat that once gave Isiah Thomas forty stitches with one elbow isn’t the way to go, Bean, nor are interviews. Your rep as a chump is solid. Your jersey is now the mark of shame. Your televised apology to Shaq sounded scripted. You’re nothing to most of us, in spite of the fact that your game is absolutely sick.
But no one’s game is sick enough to overcome all of this. Damn shame, but those are the breaks.
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School’s out for a little bit, so expect more posts next week. Also, I’m in a wedding this week (this is brought to you from sunny California), so I’ll have great stories from that. If you’re in Los Angeles and know me, get at the folk.